Snapshots
by mercurywrites
Summary: 100 drabbles providing glimpses into the friendship of Lily Evans and Severus Snape. Mostly canon compliant.
1. Something Special

I just had the strangest day. Petunia and I had gone to the park in the morning to play, as we did almost every day. But this day was something different. This day was something special. Today, a little boy with long black hair and an odd patchy smock had leapt out of the bushes and told me I was a witch. Petunia says that he's crazy, that his whole family is crazy, and I shouldn't ever talk to him again. But I just can't help the feeling that this boy is something different, that this boy is something special. And maybe I am too.


	2. Rude

I messed everything up. Everything I had hoped for and dreamed about was gone because of my stupidity. I just had to go and insult her sister, didn't I? I just had to be rude. My mother smacked me for being rude sometimes, and my father did even worse. I should have known better. Hadn't I known better? And now, all because I was stupid and useless and rude, I would never get to be friends with the girl. Lily. I had been watching her for weeks, waiting for the moment I would finally pluck up the courage to speak to her, and when I finally did, I messed it up. I ruined everything. I should have known.


	3. Confidence

Tuney hadn't spoken to me in weeks, but I told myself it was alright because I had Severus now, and I had magic. We spent our days at the playground or by the river or in my bedroom, always talking, always laughing, always making things happen, things that I couldn't explain. Once, Severus turned a blade of grass pink, and another time I made a rock move from one side of the swingset to the other without even touching it. Severus said I had loads of magic, but I still felt like he was going to start laughing at any moment and tell me it was all a joke. But then I would look at him. He had so much confidence in his magic, and it made me have confidence too.


	4. Important

I loved spending time with Lily. When I was with her, I could forget about my parents' fights, I could forget about the kids in the neighbourhood who laughed and made fun of me when I walked by, I could forget about their parents' sympathetic looks. When I was with Lily, I felt like I was important, like maybe I was worth something to someone – like I was more than just the nuisance of a son, the weird neighbour, the sad-looking kid next door. When Lily looked at me, I felt brave, special, cared about. I felt like someone I wasn't.


	5. Trust

Severus and I sat in our playground, our heads bent close together so that our hair created a veil around our faces. We both received our Hogwarts letters that morning by owl, much to Tuney's absolute horror, and we were eagerly going over our supply lists. I ran my hands over the thick, rough parchment, feeling that it was real and this wasn't all a wonderful dream. "Where do we go to get our supplies, Sev?" I asked, "Do they have secret sections for wizards in Muggle bookshops?" Laughing at my ignorance, he said, "Of course not! We'll have to go to Diagon Alley for that. You can come with me and my mum if you want to, since both of your parents are Muggles." It bothered me, the way he said Muggles, but in my excitement I brushed that aside and agreed. After all, Sev was the one who told me that being Muggleborn didn't matter. I trusted him.


	6. Belonging

I had spent my whole life dreaming of what it would be like to finally be in the wizarding world. Listening to my mother's stories, reading everything I could get my hands on, and, of course, practicing magic with Lily. And now here I was at long last, with Lily by my side, in Diagon Alley, watching children run around carrying cauldrons, wands, and caged owls. For once in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I had never fit in at Muggle school. When my mum agreed to homeschool me, I thought things would be better, but I didn't fit in at home either. But here – here I could _be_ someone. And Lily would always be right at my side. Together, here, we were whole.


	7. Always

"Sev?" I asked softly. We were lying on our backs in our playground, feeling the grass tickle our exposed skin and watching the clouds make shapes. "Mm," he murmured in response. "What if I don't make any friends at Hogwarts?" I whispered, voicing one of my deepest fears about leaving home for this strange school I had never even seen. Severus sat upright and looked down at me very seriously. "Lily," he said firmly, "We're going to go to Hogwarts and make tons of friends. Everyone is going to love us, especially you." He paused. "And even if we don't make friends – which won't happen, of course – we'll always have each other. Right?" I smiled, feeling somewhat better. "Right, Sev," I said. "Always."


	8. Tomorrow

Tomorrow. Tomorrow my real life would begin. I wouldn't have to listen to my mum and dad fight every night, or watch my dad stumble through the door at one in the morning in a drunken stupor. That wasn't my real life. Tomorrow is when I would start living my real life, at Hogwarts. I would be a great wizard, everyone would respect me, the teachers would love me, and Lily and I would be together every day – in Slytherin of course. Slytherin was the best house. It's where my mum had been, and she had been a great witch once. And I was going to be a great wizard. Starting tomorrow.


	9. Terror

Excitement. Sorrow. Terror. All feelings which filled me to the point of bursting as I sat on the Hogwarts Express, barely listening to Sev chat animatedly beside me. I was thrilled to be going to Hogwarts to learn magic, of course I was, but I was heartbroken to be leaving my family behind, especially when Tuney was so angry with me, and I was terrified that I would be a terrible witch or that nobody would like me. "So we're going to be in Slytherin, right?" Sev asked suddenly, staring at me expectantly. "Erm, sure, Sev," I said uncertainly. I wanted to be wherever he was, but what if I wasn't? Would we still get to be friends? What if I was in a House with the mean boys from the other compartment? What if everyone in my House was mean and I didn't make any friends? Terror. Greater than my excitement, greater than my sorrow.


	10. Wrong

Hogwarts wasn't going the way I had planned. I was sorted into Slytherin, but Lily had to go to Gryffindor with those dumb boys from the train. It was wrong, all wrong. Lily wasn't a Gryffindor. I mean, sure she was brave. She had always been braver than me, more daring, but she was _not _a stupid Gryffindor. She was smart, she was ambitious – she should have been with me. And now we were rivals. We had to be rivals, Slytherins and Gryffindors were always rivals. We were best friends – we always would be – but we were rivals too. And we barely ever got to see each other, except in Potions and Herbology. We had always imagined that Hogwarts would be like a year-long sleepover, but clearly that was wrong as well. My rooms were in the dungeons while the Gryffindor dormitories were up in the seventh floor Tower. It was like fate was trying to keep us as far apart as possible. All of this was wrong. And I hated it.


	11. Relieved

At first when I was sorted into Gryffindor, I thought it would be terrible. I would never see Severus and, to top it all off, those mean boys from the train were in Gryffindor too. All of my worst fears seemed to be coming true one by one. But as the first week went on, I was relieved to find that being a Gryffindor wasn't so bad after all. I made friends with two girls in my year, Mary McDonald and Alice Prewett, who shared a dorm with me, and most of the time I could avoid Potter and Black. And even though I couldn't hang around with Severus all day like we had hoped, I sat with him in Potions and Herbology, and we studied together in the library almost every day. Things were finally starting to look up.


	12. Forgotten

Was it that easy to forget about me? Ever since Lily's been hanging round with those annoying, giggly Gryffindor girls, McDonald and Prewett, she's been seeing me less and less. Our daily study sessions in the library turned into every-other-day study sessions, and now they happen only once or twice a week. Yesterday she didn't even sit with me in Potions, and we're _always_ partners in Potions because we're the best in the class. I guess I should have expected this. Everyone always forgets about me, why should Lily have been any different?


	13. Jealous

I think Severus is mad at me. Ever since I sat with Alice and Mary instead of him in Potions, he's been avoiding me. He pretends he hasn't been, but he has. Now whenever I see him, he's hanging round with these two thuggish boys from his house called Claudius Mulciber and William Avery. I'm glad that he's made a couple of friends in Slytherin, of course, but I still think he could have done better than Mulciber and Avery. Something about them just sends shivers up my spine. Maybe I'm just jealous that he spends so much time with them now and so little time with me. I really have no reason other than that to dislike them, after all, even if they do seem like a couple of brutes.


	14. Hate

I hate Hogwarts. I hate everything about it. Nothing is different than it had been at home. I'm still laughed at and made fun of, especially by those stupid Gryffindors James Potter and Sirius Black, and I still catch teachers giving me sympathetic glances every now and again. The only difference is that I don't have to deal with my parents anymore. But I would gladly accept living with their fights and my father's drunken punishments if it meant Lily and I would be close again, like we had been before coming here. That's what I hate most about Hogwarts – it's making me lose my best friend.


	15. Love

I can't do this anymore. I love Hogwarts, I love magic, and I love my new friends. But I feel like Severus is slipping away from me, like sand between my fingers. And I can't pretend that everything is okay anymore, I can't pretend that I don't care. If it meant things would go back to the way they used to be between us, I would gladly take the soonest train back home and pretend Hogwarts had never happened. He's my best friend, and as much as I love Hogwarts, I love him more.


	16. Promise

"Sev," A soft voice behind me and a hand laid gently on my shoulder. "Can I talk to you?" Claudius and Will sneered at me disapprovingly, but I ignored them and turned around to stare up into Lily's radiant green eyes. "Of course, Lil," I said, pretending I hadn't heard the condescending scoff coming from the Slytherin table. I stood up, and the two of us walked out of the Great Hall. "Sev, I miss you," Lily stated, taking my hand in hers. A jolt of warmth shot up my arm, and I felt myself blushing like an idiot. Turning my head slightly and hoping that she didn't notice, I muttered, "I miss you too, Lily." She beamed up at me, her smile lighting up her already brilliant face. "Let's not let anything come between us ever again," she said, "Promise?" I couldn't help but smile back as I agreed. "Promise."

.


	17. Prestigious

Professor McGonagall is my Head of House, but I think Professor Slughorn is my favorite professor. He teaches Potions, which is easily my favorite subject, and yesterday he invited me to join his Slug Club. It's a silly name, but apparently it's very prestigious, only for his very best students – which is why I'm surprised he didn't invite Sev too. Severus is just as good as me in Potions, probably even better. He's quieter than I am in class and doesn't answer as many questions, which I suppose might be why, but his potions are always perfect. I think he feels badly about not being included, even though he won't admit it, so I've invited him as my date to Professor Slughorn's Halloween party tomorrow night. Only as a friend, of course.

.


	18. Pleasure

I know I shouldn't feel so excited that Lily asked me to be her date to the Slug Club Halloween party. After all, she probably only asked me out of pity since Slughorn didn't invite me himself. But I still can't help the sense of pleasure I feel that she asked _me _when she could have asked any of the more attractive, more popular boys in Gryffindor. I've noticed her blushing whenever Amos Diggory looks at her, and even though he's a second year I'm sure he would have accepted an invitation from her. After all, Lily isn't exactly what one would call hideous. And now I just feel guilty, because Lily is my best friend, and I should _not _be thinking about my best friend like that…


	19. Pretty

It was surprisingly warm for a November afternoon, especially this late in the month, so Severus and I were taking advantage of the weather and studying outside by the lake. Sev was reading something out of our Herbology textbook to me, but I simply couldn't concentrate. Today, I had seen Amos Diggory and Emmeline Vance snogging in a hallway near the Charms classroom. I didn't expect it to hurt this much – after all, Amos had barely ever said two words to me. "Sev," I said hesitantly. He looked up at me over the textbook, annoyed that I cut him off. "What, Lily?" he asked. "Why do you think Amos doesn't like me?" I questioned softly, " Is it because I'm not pretty?" Sev's eyes widened – he hadn't been expecting that question. "Of course you're pretty," he muttered, embarrassed, "And if you're talking about him and Vance snogging outside the Charms classroom, I think that's disgusting. He's only twelve years old, and Vance is a third year." For some reason, he calling Amos disgusting made me feel better, and I sat back against the tree with a satisfied grin. That, and he thought I was pretty.


	20. Escape

I'm not sure whether to go home for Christmas or not. I want to see my mother, but the last thing I want to come home to is my father drunk and passed out on the living room floor – or worse, drunk, awake, and angry. Undoubtedly, it will be one of the two, since undoubtedly, my father will be drunk. Yet if I don't go home, I'll have to spend a whole two weeks without Lily. Claudius and Will will be going home to their families as well, so I won't have a single friend here with me if I decide to stay. Sighing, I walk away from the sheet for students to sign if they're staying at Hogwarts for Christmas break. At least I'll be able to go to the Evans' whenever I need to escape. They've always been unreasonably nice to me.


	21. Charmed

"Happy Christmas, Sev!" I exclaimed, holding out a prettily wrapped package for him to take. Looking at me with embarrassment evident on his face, he said, "You didn't have to get me anything, Lily," but took the present nonetheless. Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I waited for him to unwrap it. He pulled out a green and silver Slytherin hat and grinned. "Thanks, Lily!" he exclaimed as he placed the hat on his head, "Here. I got something for you, too." His hand disappeared into the pocket of his overlarge, ratty coat and emerged holding a little box, which he handed to me uncertainly. "I didn't know if you'd like it, but I hope you do." Eagerly, I opened the box to reveal a pretty necklace with a green gemstone the colour of my eyes dangling at the end. "Oh, Severus!" I gasped, "You didn't have to do that for me!" His normally pale cheeks flushed as he said, "It wasn't that expensive really. I charmed the stone to match your eyes." Without warning, I flung my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "You're the best best friend ever."


	22. Storm

It was a warm day in mid-March, and I was walking to my Transfiguration class. I had left early enough to enjoy the beautiful weather we hadn't seen since November, and as I was slowing down to feel a sudden warm breeze on my face, Lily came storming over to me, her eyes flashing dangerously. "What's wro – " I began, but was cut off with an abrupt and angry, "Severus, what is a Mudblood?" So she had finally heard the word. I just wished I didn't have to be the one to explain it to her – she was so innocent, and I felt like I was about to ruin that. "Where did you hear that?" I asked. "That jerk Bellatrix Black called me one," she snapped, "And then all her friends started laughing. What does it mean?" I paused. "Well," I began slowly, "It means dirty blood. Some people use that word to talk about Muggleborns." She was dangerously quiet for a moment – I was suddenly reminded of that still moment before a terrible storm. "You said it didn't matter," she said softly, though her voice shook with anger. "Because it doesn't!" I exclaimed, "Not to me!" But before I could say another word in my defense, she turned on her heel and was gone.


	23. Mudblood

Ever since Severus told me the truth about certain peoples' opinions on Muggleborns, I've been hearing the word everywhere. "Mudblood this, Mudblood that, he's a Mudblood, look at that Mudblood…" It's utterly disgusting. And it seems to be coming mostly from the Slytherins. I've even heard Mulciber and Avery say it a few times, and they're Sev's closest friends aside from me. I never really understood Severus' friendship with them, they're big and brutish and sometimes just downright mean, but I always tolerated them because he seemed to like them. Now I just can't. Not when I know what they think about people like me. How could Severus be friends with people who say such things about people like me, his supposed best friend?


	24. No More

Part of me was relieved to be going home for the summer – it meant no more of Potter and Black's pranks, which had gotten considerably worse since they became friends with Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin; it meant no more teasing from Claude and Will for being friends with Lily; it meant Lily and I would be able to spend as much time with each other as we wanted without class schedules getting in the way. But then another part of me reminded me why I was so excited to leave home in the first place. My father. Still, no matter what happened this summer, I would always have Lily.


	25. Uneasy

Heaving my belongings into our compartment, I joined Severus on the homeward bound Hogwarts Express. "Here, let me help," he said, using his wand to levitate my suitcase onto the shelf above our seats. "Thanks, Sev," I said. I still wasn't able to levitate objects as heavy as a suitcase, which just went to show how talented Severus was. As I was taking a seat beside him, our compartment door swung open and Avery and Mulciber stood in the doorway. Upon seeing me, however, they glowered at Severus and walked out. "What's their problem?" I asked, glaring after them. Sev shrugged and said nonchalantly, "It doesn't matter. Don't worry about them" But for the rest of the train ride, I felt uneasy, even as we chattered excitedly all the way home.


	26. Right

Ever since getting back from Hogwarts, things were the way they used to be between Lily and I – things were right again. We were inseparable, barely ever seen apart, as her mother noted one morning when, as usual, we loped into their house for a mid-morning snack. Every morning immediately after breakfast, Lily and I would meet in the playground and spend the day roaming the town. Sometimes we'd catch a movie – a Muggle invention that wasn't so bad, really, it was just like reading without the words – sometimes we'd walk to the park and talk for hours as we circled around the pond, sometimes we'd just stay in the playground and have swinging competitions or races to see who could run the fastest or who could climb farthest up a tree – all things I would never do with anyone but Lily. And while part of me couldn't wait to get back out of Spinner's End, part of me never wanted to leave.


	27. Replacement

I expected to miss Hogwarts much more than I did over the summer – but the way Sev and I quickly fell into our old routines made me think that maybe summer was a much needed respite, and by the time September came once more, I was completely refreshed and ready to go back – even though a part of me was resistant to returning to seeing Sev only once in a while throughout the day. Now I was standing with my family on Platform 9 ¾, Petunia not included. She bluntly refused to come see me off this year and was instead spending the day at her friend Bonnie's house. It hurt me to see my sister act as if she hated me, especially since I spent all summer trying to be extra nice to her and inviting her to spend time with Sev and I. But every time such thoughts entered my mind, I pushed them aside fiercely. So what if Petunia didn't want to be my sister anymore? Sev was practically my brother now, and he was a much better replacement.


	28. Lessons

Second year has proven to be much better than first, I'm delighted to say. I have three classes with Lily this year – Transfiguration, Charms, and Potions again – which also means I have three classes with the Marauders – that's what Potter has started calling his little group, it's disgusting – but Lily and I can deal with them. Lucius Malfoy, a sixth year who has always been nice to me, has started taking a special interest in me this year too. He's been giving me books to read about all these curses and hexes that they don't even teach in school. I haven't told Lily though, because somehow I don't think she'd approve of me learning curses they don't teach in school. So I keep them under my bed and read them every night by wandlight – and now I'll teach the Marauders a lesson about messing with me.


	29. Horrified

"Look, boys! It's Snivellus!" Rolling my eyes, I took Sev's arm and pulled him along, away from the Marauders. "Ignore them," I hissed, "They aren't worth it." But he wrenched his arm from my grasp and exclaimed, "No, Lily! I can handle them!" Shaking my head furiously, I tried to grab back onto his arm, but he walked away from me – back towards his pursuers. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew all lifted their wands, but before any of them could speak an incantation, Sev shouted, "Conjunctivitus!" and suddenly Potter was clutching at his eyes, screaming in pain. "Severus!" I shrieked, "What did you do!" Black and Pettigrew could only stand there and gape at Potter, while Lupin drew his arms around the injured Marauder and helped him off in the direction of the castle. "Run ahead and get Madame Pomfrey," he instructed their other two friends. Horrified, I turned to face Sev, who was staring off in the direction of the Marauders, triumph and revulsion fighting for dominance on his face.


	30. Skeptical

I got a three day suspension for what I did to Potter, meaning I had to sit in an empty classroom, all by myself, from eight in the morning to nine at night. I couldn't even use the time to catch up on my schoolwork – I'm surprised they even allowed me to think. On my second day of the suspension, I heard scuffling in front of the door, and a cascade of auburn hair tumbled around the doorway. "Psst. Sev," Lily whispered. I rolled my eyes, "I'm alone, you can come in," I called out. Hesitantly, she stepped through the threshold carrying a set of textbooks. "I know you're not allowed to catch up on the schoolwork you're missing, but I brought you the assignments anyway." She held them out to me, but I refused to take them. "They put charms up on the room so they'll know if I'm following the rules or not." She paused, pulling the books back to her chest. "Sev," she began, "Where did you learn that curse?" Turning my head, I muttered, "I told you…I just heard it somewhere." Looking skeptical, she said, "Whatever, Sev," and left.


	31. Secrets

Severus has been keeping secrets from me, and I don't like it. Sometimes I'll notice him writing in this weird little black notebook, and when I try to see what he's doing, he closes it really fast and starts doing something else. And whenever I try to ask him about the Conjucta-whatever curse he used on Potter, he'll mutter something like, "I just heard it, it's no big deal, I don't see why you have to keep on me about it," and change the subject. I don't like that he's hiding things from me – we're supposed to be best friends. _I've_ always told him everything. I have a feeling this change in him is the result of Lucius Malfoy, this creepy Slytherin prefect who's been talking to him a lot lately. And I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe Potter and Black are right about the Slytherins – they're bad news.


	32. Scrutiny

I'm less excited to be going home this summer. Now that Lucius Malfoy and his group have taken me under their collective wing, everyone in Slytherin has more respect for me – no one messes with me, even though I _am _just a half-blood. And thanks to the books Lucius has been lending me, I can hold my own against all four Marauders, though I've learned to be careful which spells I choose to use against them. The Conjunctavitus incident made sure of that. Potter had to spend two whole days in the hospital wing wearing a blindfold before his eyes recovered, and I think they're still extra sensitive to sunlight. Serves him right, though, he deserved everything he got. The only reason I'm glad to be going home is that I'll get to spend more time with Lily. Lucius has been looking at me strangely lately whenever I'm with her, and I'm sort of glad to be getting away from his scrutiny for a while…


	33. Easier

Sev and I haven't spoken about school once since getting home from Hogwarts, and it's been three weeks. It's easier that way, I suppose, especially since Sev has gone straight back to being his old self without the influence of Malfoy and all his cronies. I can't help but be relieved. He was starting to scare me in those last few months before leaving for summer holiday – he was so dark, so distant, so different from the Severus I always knew and loved. Hopefully spending a summer apart from all of them would remind him of who he really was, and he would never go back to being that stranger I had barely even known.


	34. Different

Lily seemed oddly apprehensive about going back to Hogwarts come fall. Mr. and Mrs. Evans had driven us both to King's Cross, since last night had been a bad night for my parents, and the whole entire car ride she was silent, fiddling with her fingers and staring at the floor. So when we got onboard the Hogwarts Express I already knew there was something wrong, since Lily was _never _silent. We took our usual compartment towards the front of the train, and she sat down and silently began staring out the window. "Lily," I said exasperatedly, "What's the matter?" Surprised, she looked up at me. "Nothing's the matter," she said quickly, "Why would you think something was the matter?" I laughed. She had always been a terrible liar. "Because you're quiet. And you always talk." She shrugged. "It's just…I don't want you to change again," she said, all one breath so that I almost didn't understand her. Almost. "I'm not going to change," I said, surprised at her revelation, "What do you mean?" Lily sighed and closed her eyes. "Last year, you got so different," she said, "I just don't want you to be different again."


	35. Changed

I hadn't been in a very good mood all day – Sev was up in the hospital wing along with Sirius Black for some duel they had gotten in, and, though they would both be good as new by the end of the day, I was furious. With both of them. It was only the fifth day back at school for goodness' sake and Sev and the Marauders were already at each others' throats. "Honestly, I don't even see why you're friends with him," Mary said critically as she absentmindedly flicked through pages of her Astronomy textbook. I gave her a hard stare and said, "I've known Severus since I was nine, Mary, and he's been like a brother to me ever since." Rolling her eyes at me, she put down her textbook and stated, "He's not an innocent nine year old boy anymore. He knows more curses than most seventh years, and have you seen who he hangs round with?" I crossed my arms over my chest, and, with a derisive snort, said, "He hangs round with _me_." Mary shook her head and said with a sigh, "He's changed, Lily. You have to see that."


	36. Need

Lily and I have almost every class together this year, since we're both in all advanced classes, except Lily decided to take Astronomy as her first non-core subject while I chose Arithmancy. In every other class, Lily and I sit together. It isn't something we decided on, we just do it, without fail and without question, every day. And I never thought anything of it – that is, until yesterday. Yesterday, Evan Rosier – the bloody prick – thought it would be a good idea to inform Lucius of whom I spend the majority of my time with every day. And now Lucius says I spend too much time with "the Mudblood" and if I don't stop seeing her soon, he'll stop giving me books on the Dark Arts. Ever since Lucius has been giving me these books, Hogwarts has been bearable. I can fight back against the Marauders, the other Slytherins respect me – everything has changed for me, for the better. Much as I loathe to admit it, I _need _them, and I need him. But I need Lily too. Well, this is Lucius' last year before graduation. If I can just make it _seem_ like I'm not friends with Lily until May, everything will be fine.


	37. Enough

This had gone on long enough. After months of sitting together in every class, Severus just stopped. Without warning, out of the blue. For the past week and a half he'd been sitting with Evan Rosier and completely ignoring me. He'd still smile and wave from across the room, he'd still say hello to me as we passed in the halls, but he would not come anywhere near me in a classroom. And now I wanted to know why. "Severus!" I snapped, striding forcefully across the courtyard to where he sat on a bench, scribbling furiously away in that God-forsaken black notebook. "You've been ignoring me for over a week, and I want to know what's wrong." Slowly closing his notebook, he looked up at me sheepishly. "Lily, can we go somewhere to talk privately?"


	38. Pretending

The minute I heard Lily snap my name from across the courtyard, I knew I was going to have a _lot_ of explaining to do. "Can we go somewhere to talk privately?" I had asked. She nodded tersely and we walked out of the courtyard, towards the lake. We were uncomfortably silent for a moment before I said, "Look, I know it seems like I've been ignoring you – but I haven't, I swear! At least, not the way you think I have." She sighed and rolled her eyes in obvious exasperation. "Then in what way, exactly, have you been ignoring me?" I braced myself for the explosion that I knew was about to come. "Well," I began, "Lucius Malfoy thinks I should stop hanging round with you and – " Boom. "Lucius Malfoy! Since when does Lucius Malfoy have a say in our friendship?" Lily shrieked indignantly, rounding on me with such ferocity that I very nearly drew my wand. "It's just – he's been helping me out a lot, and I thought if we could just pretend…" I didn't know what I was trying to say, really, and apparently neither did Lily. "No, Sev," she said, "I'm done pretending. If you don't want to be friends, fine." And with that she was gone.


	39. Anchor

Not being friends with Sev is sort of like not being Lily Evans at all. My friendship with him is such a decisive factor in my life, and without it I feel lost, like I'm floating out at sea and he's pulled away my anchor – or rather, he _was_ the anchor. Without him, I really don't feel like myself, and I'm starting to wonder if any of this is worth it. But then, just when I'm about to go apologize and beg him to be my friend again, I remember that he's the one who chose Lucius Malfoy over me, and if anyone should be apologizing and begging, it should be him.


	40. Stubborn

Lily has always been stubborn, but when she stormed away from me after our argument over Lucius Malfoy, I assumed she'd sulk around and ignore me for a few days and then be back to her usual self by the end of the week. Apparently, she's even more stubborn than I gave her credit for, because it's been nearly two weeks and she still refuses to talk to me. Which is why I'm sitting outside the Astronomy tower at nearly one in the morning, fighting sleep, waiting for her to get out of class so that I can apologize and, quite probably, grovel pathetically. Being friends with Lily Evans has never been easy, but I can be pretty damn stubborn too, and I'm not about to let her go.


	41. Dangerous Waters

Third year was, admittedly, a trying year on me and Sev's friendship, but we made it out alive and kicking. However, that doesn't mean I'm any less worried for him, especially with all the rumours circulating about Lucius Malfoy – some of the older Gryffindors are convinced Malfoy took the Dark Mark months ago, and now he's a full-fledged member of You-Know-Who's Death Eaters. Whether or not those rumours are true, Malfoy's made it clear where his allegiances lie, and if he's not a Death Eater now he will be soon enough. And I can't help the feeling that Sev is getting pulled deeper and deeper into dangerous waters, by Malfoy, by Mulciber and Avery – and he isn't even trying to resist.


	42. Floating

Mr. and Mrs. Evans had invited me to the beach with their family for the weekend; so naturally, my days consisted of Lily dragging me along the water's edge from sunrise to sundown, scouting out seashells and chattering incessantly about every little thing that crossed her mind. Of course, I didn't mind; in fact, I hung on every word, even when my feet were killing me from walking miles in search of the perfect shells. As she was telling me about some fight between Mary McDonald and Marlene McKinnon – like I really cared about stupid Gryffindor drama – it struck me how much her voice sounded like bells. Unable to help myself, I grinned like the stupid lovestruck teenager I supposed I was. "What?" she asked, laughing slightly, "You look like the cat that swallowed the canary." Shrugging, I replied, "Nothing." She grinned and took my hand as we continued down the beach, and I swear I floated all the way back to the beach house.


	43. Fine

I think Severus and I are going to be just fine. He's been more like himself this school year – something which I attribute to the fact that Lucius Malfoy is gone from our lives. He hasn't even been in as many fights with the Marauders lately. Normally by this point, they've racked up at least a dozen detentions for dueling, but I've barely seen any of them in trouble lately, even the great James Potter himself. Speaking of Potter, I've noticed he's been acting very strange around me lately – even more so than usual, that is – and I just can't seem to figure out why…


	44. Safe

After "the incident" at the end of last year, the Marauders seem to be laying off me a bit. I doubt it will last, but for now I'm not complaining. Speaking of "the incident," Lily still won't believe me that Lupin's a werewolf, even though I _saw_ him with my own two eyes. She has a fondness for him, a fondness which I cannot possibly fathom. He's a _Marauder,_ for Merlin's sake, he's friends with Potter, Black and Pettigrew. I admit that Lupin's almost tolerable sometimes, but anyone who's friends with those morons can't possibly be as wholesome and good as Lupin tries to appear. Besides, he's a werewolf, he's a dangerous creature, and why Dumbledore lets him anywhere _near_ the rest of the student body is completely beyond my comprehension. And I desperately wish that Lily would see the truth about him and keep her distance. I only want her to be safe.


	45. Ego

"Severus, you're going to laugh when I tell you this." The two of us were lying outside by the lake under "our" tree, the tree we had unofficially claimed as our own when we were first years, the tree with our initials carved in tiny strokes at the bottom of the trunk. "James Potter asked me out on a date. Would you believe it? _James Potter!" _Severus's reaction, however, was far from laughter. "_What_?" he snapped, sitting up so quickly I heard a whoosh of wind, "What did you say?" I snorted, surprised that he even had to ask. "No, of course," I replied. Relief washed over Sev's face, and he grinned. "I bet that crushed his ego a bit," he sneered. Giggling, I said, "Don't be so sure - It would take a mountain troll to crush _Potter's_ ego."


	46. Rumour

I got an owl from Lucius Malfoy this morning; he wants to meet with me and some of the other Slytherins this weekend in Hogsmeade. He made the letter out to sound like a friendly invitation to a reunion between old friends, but I know it's more than that. Rumour has it that he's taken the Dark Mark - and if I know Lucius Malfoy, these claims are based more in fact than rumour. I'm willing to bet my life that he's coming this weekend not for idle chit-chat, but for recruitment. As I sent my owl out later in the day, holding an affirmative response to Lucius's invitation, a nagging voice in the back of my head, a voice which sounded suspiciously like Lily, asked me what I had done.


	47. Shock

Severus and I were supposed to go together to Hogsmeade this weekend, but he backed out on me at the last minute, saying he needed to study for our upcoming History of Magic exam. It was a suspicious claim – I was sure he could take that test with both hands tied behind his back and get an O – but I brushed it aside, instead accepting an invitation from Mary, Alice, Marlene, and Dorcas Meadows. However, as we were passing by the Three Broomsticks on our way to Honeydukes, I was _certain _I saw him through the window, sitting around a table with Mulciber, Avery, Rosier, Wilkes, Regulus and Bellatrix Black, and – was that Lucius Malfoy? "Lily, are you coming?" Alice asked from somewhere up ahead. Shaking myself of my shock, I plastered a smile on my face and ran to catch up with my friends.


	48. Understanding

Lily knows I've been exchanging owls with Lucius Malfoy; I think she even suspects that I've been meeting with him now and again. She's been dropping hints about it lately, trying to get me to confess, and, though I've been feigning innocence to the best of my ability, she can tell I'm guilty. She can read me better than anyone else in the world – a fact which often works to my disadvantage – and she's disappointed that I won't tell her the truth, I can tell. But how could I tell my best friend, the epitome of light and goodness, that I've been corresponding with a known Death Eater? That I've been listening to him talk about the advantages of following You-Know-Who, the advantages of a society that will eliminate people like her? She would never understand. She would never understand that all we want is to rise from the oppression placed on us by Muggles. She would never understand the power a pureblooded society would contain. She would never understand that _she_ is the exception in a race full of weakness, injustice, and tyranny.


	49. Good and Evil

"Severus, I know you've been meeting with Lucius Malfoy. Ever since January, you have been, you and the rest of your junior Death Eater friends – " I began bitterly, but my impassioned rant was cut off with an angry interjection from Severus. "Junior Death Eaters?" he snapped, "You got that phrase from Potter, didn't you? I can't believe you would listen to – " This time I was the one to stop him in the middle of his accusation. "So what if I did? This isn't _about _Potter anyway, I don't know why you always have to turn things around and make them about Potter! This is about _you _and _your _choices! I've said this to you before, Sev, the people you hang round with are _evil!_ The things they do, the things they believe in, they're not _right!_" Fixing me with a hard stare, Severus snapped, "And what makes _you_ the judge of good and evil, Lily Evans?" And with that, he stalked off in the direction of the dungeons, leaving me to stare after him speechlessly.


	50. Black and White

Lily and I argue all the time – well, she yells at me, I try to defend myself. That thing people say about redheads having a quick temper? It's true. – but I've never said anything to Lily like what I said yesterday, the thing about her being the self-proclaimed judge of good and evil. Partly, I feel bad about it. The look on her face – shock, hurt, anger – was one I never wanted to be responsible for. But partly, I'm glad I said it. I think it needed to be said. Lily has this perfect vision of how the world should be, and if anyone dares to step outside those lines, if anyone has the audacity to defy that perfect vision of hers, they're automatically evil. There are no shades of gray in Lily's world. For Lily, there is only black and white.


	51. Trust2

Severus apologized for what he said to me that day, and I apologized for accusing him of fraternizing with Death Eaters, to which he finally admitted that he _had_ been corresponding with Malfoy, but he would stop if it really bothered me. Sometimes I still get the nagging suspicion that Sev is still talking to Malfoy, but I push those thoughts out of my head nearly as soon as they come to me. Severus _promised_ me that he would stop. And if I can't trust him, who can I trust?


	52. Sickening

I hope Lucius will leave me alone this summer. It's not that I'm not interested in what he has to offer me, but I _did_ promise Lily that I would sever all ties with him, and I haven't exactly done that. I tried to, at first, but there's something about him and what he's doing that calls to me like nothing ever has before. It's almost sickening, the way the Dark Arts fascinate me. They're called the _Dark_ Arts for a reason, I know that, I'm not stupid, but still they lure me to them like a moth to the light. It's something that Lily could _never_ understand, and I know she would never forgive me for lying to her about ending my correspondence with Lucius. So I really do hope that he'll be too busy to bother with me this summer. I _really _do. If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll start to believe it.


	53. Knowing

Cancer. Six letters. Two syllables. One word that can strike fear into your heart. Cancer. It's what my mum has. I had known something was wrong the minute I stepped off the Hogwarts Express. There was something in my parents' faces that wasn't right, that wasn't normal, almost like they were struggling to hold in a darkness that threatened to overwhelm them. And then when they sat me down at the kitchen table that night, I knew. I knew there was something wrong with Mum by the way Dad kept looking at her – like he was longing to _do _something, but he couldn't, and it tortured him. Apparently, she's had it for a month, but they didn't want to tell me in a letter, they wanted to wait until I was home before they let me know. And it _kills_ me to know that I was off at Hogwarts, having fun with my friends and learning spells and being surrounded by magic, while my family was at home struggling. I know that Petunia resents me for it too. And suddenly, I want nothing more than to be with Severus and to go to the park and to pretend that nothing has changed since the time we were nine years old.


	54. Broken Happiness

Lily came to my house at around eight o'clock. I had barely even started unpacking when the knock came at my door, and my mother called to me, "Severus! That girl is here to see you!" Honestly. She's known Lily for six years now and she still calls her "that girl." Almost tearfully, Lily asked me if I'd like to go to the playground, so that's where we were now, each of us sitting on a swing, staring at the sky, lost in our own thoughts. I could hear Lily sniffling beside me, so finally I asked, "For Merlin's sake, Lily, what's wrong?" She took a shaky breath before saying, so softly I might have mistaken it for a breeze or a rustling in the woods, "My mum has cancer." I didn't know much about cancer, it was a Muggle disease that wizards rarely acquired, but I knew it could be fatal, and Lily was obviously upset over it. So I got up from my swing and, wordlessly, opened up my arms to her. With a sob, she launched herself at me and started weeping into my shoulder. I don't remember when, or how, or why, but somehow we ended up on the ground, and that's where we fell asleep. I woke up the next morning with her curled up into my chest, with my arms drawn protectively around her. It killed me to see her so broken, but at the same time, it was the happiest I had ever been.


	55. Life and Death

I almost didn't go back to Hogwarts this year. My parents implored me to return to school – I couldn't stop living a normal life just because Mum was sick, they said. It was ironic, really – my life was far from normal as it was. But in the end, it was Severus who convinced me to come back to Hogwarts. "Your mum would be really upset if you didn't go back to school and finish your witch's training. Just because she's dying, doesn't mean you have to die with her. That's not what she'd want." That's what Severus had said to me. His words stung a bit, but he was right. My mum wouldn't want my life to stop on her account. So now I'm sitting up in Gryffindor tower, hundreds of miles away from my dying mother, praying that I'm doing the right thing.


	56. Closed

"I'm going to do it." It was one in the morning and _some_ people in the dormitory were trying to sleep, but I rolled over and humoured Claudius anyways. "What are you going to do, Claude?" I mumbled, sleep still tainting my voice. He said, with only the slightest waver in his voice, "I'm going to take the Dark Mark." Now I was wide awake. Sitting up in my bed, I asked, "When? Claudius, we're still in school, you can't expect to – " Before I could finish my statement, he was rushing to clarify himself. "I don't mean _now_," he sneered, "Probably around Christmastime. But I'm going to do it." I opened my mouth to interject, but he stopped me before I could get in a single word. "I know, I _know_ we're still in school. But Lucius says the Dark Lord is going to introduce a new Junior Death Eaters program, so I'll be able to help the cause without having to leave Hogwarts." Junior Death Eaters. Now Potter's stupid name for us didn't seem so stupid. Part of me wanted to argue more, but the larger part of me wanted to get back to sleep, so I muttered, "That's great, Claude," and I rolled back over and closed my eyes, to the room, to the "cause", to the world.


	57. Proof

"Junior Death Eaters?" I scoffed, "That's ridiculous, Frank, if there were Junior Death Eaters at Hogwarts, Dumbledore would know about it." A few of us Gryffindor fifth years were sitting in the common room between classes, attempting to study for Transfiguration; however, Frank Longbottom was more interested in Death Eaters than in turning tables into pigs. "Well, we're not one hundred percent positive," Frank admitted, "But the Marauders and the Prewett twins and I have been keeping a specially close eye on the Slytherins lately, and they've been acting really suspicious, especially that Claudius Mulciber. Gideon said yesterday that he saw Mulciber looking at something on his left arm." Shaking my head, I said, "That doesn't prove anything. Mulciber could have been looking at anything – maybe he hurt himself there." Still, though, I resolved to ask Sev about it later. Just in case.


	58. Uncomfortable

Lily asked me about the Junior Death Eaters the other day. Of course, I lied and said I didn't know about anything like that, which seemed to pacify her. She then asked if Mulciber had hurt his arm by any chance. At first I was thrown off by the unexpected question, but I could see where she was going with it, so I said he had sprained his wrist. She had that same gleeful look on her face that she always had when she was right about something, and, satisfied with my answers, she flounced off. Although Claudius hadn't actually taken the Mark yet, none of us had, and I myself certainly didn't plan to – as if it weren't enough to focus on schoolwork without the added responsibilities of being a Junior Death Eater – it made me uncomfortable that people were finding out about it so easily.


	59. Remember

Christmas. A stolen bottle of whiskey sending fire through our frozen bodies on a snow-dusted rooftop. Laughter. Drunken giggles at anything and everything we find amusing. Suddenly his hands on my face and his lips on mine. My lips part and my tongue sloppily meets his. Our first and last kiss. A moment we'll never remember. Morning. Heads pounding, stomachs churning. We take turns holding each others' hair back as we retch into the toilet. A promise to never get drunk again. Though if, by any chance, one of us does, the other will always be there to make sure we don't do anything stupid. We will break both promises. Fifteen. Our last Christmas as friends.


	60. Family

I spent all of Christmas holiday with Lily and her family. It was strange, being so close to home without ever once stepping through the door. I did walk by one day, the day before Christmas, just to see how things looked from the outside. It was quiet, and that was enough, so I turned and walked back to the Evans'. Christmas with Lily's family was the most wonderful day of my life. It was loud and happy and warm, just like I always imagined Christmas should be, and I almost dared to feel like I was part of that boisterous, warm happiness – like maybe I was part of that family too. And even though Lily's mum was getting weaker every day, she was just as alive as I ever remembered – she even knitted me a scarf as my Christmas gift. I think it was one of the most thoughtful things anyone's ever done for me. Then, that night, Lily and I stole a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet and brought it onto the roof. I don't remember anything of what happened – well, there is something I _think _I might remember, but then again, I probably dreamed it. Something like that couldn't be possible.


	61. Critical

It was very difficult going back to school after Christmas holiday. Mum, though she still acts as young and healthy as ever, is obviously very, very ill. Dad says she has less than a year left to live. I've decided I'll finish the year out, take my OWLs and all, but I won't return next year. If Mum really has less than a year remaining, I need to be with her as much as possible in the time we have left together. It's almost like torture, knowing that these next four and a half months at Hogwarts are four and a half months I won't get to spend with her. The only thing making this all bearable is Severus. He's the closest thing I have to family here, and knowing that he loves my mum almost as much as I do makes me feel just a bit better about being so far from home at this critical time.


	62. Tainted

"What a pathetic little M-Mudblood." The moment the words left my lips, I felt dirty, tainted, and I wished desperately that I could reign them back in. I was sitting with Claudius, William, and Evan, and they all gave me approving glances at my choice of words. They had been talking about Mary McDonald – Lily's _friend_ – and before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth. It wasn't that I felt so bad about calling Mary a Mudblood – I had never particularly liked her to begin with – but the fact that I used that word to describe someone with the same blood as Lily, _my _Lily, made me feel physically sick. Quickly standing up and excusing myself, I rushed out of the Great Hall.


	63. Sectumsempra

"Have you heard of that new _Sectumsempra_ curse?" Marlene asked me at breakfast one morning, "Apparently it's been spreading among the Slytherins like wildfire. Mulciber hit Fabian with one last night, and it was all Madame Pomfrey could do to stop the bleeding. Gideon says he'll probably have a terrible scar for the rest of his life!" _Sectumsempra_. I felt like I had heard of it before, like I had seen it written down somewhere…and then it hit me. Leaning over Sev's potions book in class one day, reaching for the can of flobberworms. He always scribbled in his margins, making "corrections" to the text, but I had seen something interesting out of the corner of my eye that day: "_Sectumsempra._ For enemies." I had meant to ask him what that meant, but I needed to get those flobberworms into that potion quickly, and by the end of the lesson I had forgotten all about _Sectumsempra. _Rage flashed through me like lightning, red-hot. Severus was about to be in _big _trouble.


	64. Shock2

"Severus! What the _hell_ is wrong with you?" I flinched reflexively. Ever since coming back from Christmas holiday, Lily had been much warmer towards me than she normally was, almost even affectionate at times, so her sudden outburst took me by surprise. I turned to her questioningly. "Don't look at me like that!" she very near screeched, "Don't look at me so innocently! _You _came up with that goddamn _Sectumsempra _spell! _You're _the reason Fabian Prewett is going to have scars for the rest of his life!" I could feel my mouth hanging open. Closing it quickly, I snapped, "I never did anything to Fabian Prewett!" The look in Lily's eyes frightened me. It was the closest thing I had ever seen to hatred within them. "No, but Mulciber did! Your _friend_! And you probably gave him that spell to use as he pleased, didn't you? And he'll give it to his Master – because that's what he is now, isn't he? A servant of your precious _Dark Lord?" _I was so shocked I wasn't even able to respond. I was never able to tell her that Claudius and Will had seen the spell in my book and had taken it for themselves. I was never able to tell her that Claudius had been too afraid to take the Dark Mark. I was never able to tell her that I didn't mean for Fabian Prewett to get hurt, bloody prick though he was. "That's what I thought," she hissed before turning around and storming off.


	65. Letting Go

It's over. I might have forgiven Severus for calling me a Mudblood, if it hadn't been for the _Sectumsempra_ incident a few days earlier. But my friends had been right all along. Severus had changed, I was just too blind to see it. Or rather, I had seen it, but I loved him too much to accept it. I suppose I still love him. He was my best friend for seven years; that doesn't just go away. But I have to let go of him now. He's chosen his path, I've chosen mine, and the two will never intertwine again.


	66. Empty

Empty. Cold. Lost. Without Lily, that's all I can feel. I've begged for her forgiveness time and time again – heartfelt, down-on-my-knees begging – but she still won't accept my apology. Lily and I have been in fights before, fights where she's sworn she'd never speak to me again, but this time is different. This time, I can tell she really means it; she's _not _going to forgive me, she's _not _going to be my friend anymore. And her eyes – her beautiful, radiant green eyes – will never look at me with anything but contempt and disgust ever again.


	67. Almost

"…And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen." "Amen," I whispered, my voice merging with those of the rest of the funeral assembly to create a sad, low sort of hum. My mum had passed away only a week after I came home from Hogwarts. Dad said she had been waiting to see me before she left. Now I stood and steeled myself to meet with the friends and relatives who had come to say their final goodbyes to my mother, friends and relatives whom I was not yet ready to see, not ready to reminisce with about my mum and her life – a life I had barely been involved in since going off to Hogwarts. "Lily," Petunia hissed all of a sudden, jabbing me in the side with her sharp elbow, "Isn't that Severus in the back of the church?" I almost turned around.


	68. Love2

I found out the other day that Mrs. Evans was dead. Mum saw her name in the obituaries. And even though Lily and I weren't speaking, I felt like it would be an insult not to go to the funeral, so that's where I was now, sitting in the back row with my head down, pretending to listen to the priest. I didn't believe in God. I didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. I knew there was _something _after death, because of the ghosts at Hogwarts, but I didn't believe there was an almighty creator who simultaneously loved and judged us all our lives. After all, if you loved someone, you didn't judge them, right? You loved them for everything they were and weren't. I snorted slightly and sank down lower into my seat. Even if there was a God, I decided, that's not the kind of love I would want.


	69. Strange

Summer felt very strange without Severus at my side, and without Mum standing in the kitchen, waiting for us to come running in for a snack or a drink before rushing back out the door without a second thought – without ever considering the possibility that she might not be around someday. Consequently, I spent much of my summer at friends' houses – I spent nearly all of July with Alice and a few weeks here and there with Mary and Marlene. I wanted to be there for my dad and Petunia, really I did, but I just couldn't stand the heavy melancholy that hung over our house like a dark raincloud. Sometimes I thought it was going to suffocate me; I couldn't breathe in that house sometimes, really I couldn't.


	70. Missing

Summer just didn't feel right without Lily. I went to the playground and sat there for hours every morning for the first few weeks, half-hoping that Lily would show up, but she never did. After that, I spent a lot of time sitting in my room, alone, either reading or thinking up new spells or just lying there, lost in my thoughts, shooting down flies from the ceiling. I even spent a couple of weeks with the Avery's, but no matter what I did, I couldn't shake that empty feeling in my gut, that feeling of something being conspicuously missing from my life.


	71. Better

"I heard about your Mum, Lily-flower, I'm really sorry," James Potter said, sidling up to me on the bench at the Gryffindor table during the Welcoming Feast. "Thank you," I said shortly, "But how many times have I asked you _not_ to call me Lily-flower?" Smirking, he replied, "Not enough," and Sirius Black barked out a laugh and high-fived him for his less-than-witty comment while Peter Pettigrew looked as though he were about to wet himself from laughter. I shook my head and turned my attention back to the Sorting. Apparently, those three hadn't spent any time growing up over the summer. Leaning around them, Remus added, "Hey, I'm sorry too. I'm here if you need me." I offered him a small smile and said, "Thanks, Remus, really. I appreciate that." Sometimes – okay, all the time – I just didn't understand why Remus was a Marauder. He was a better person than all the rest of them combined, and I figured I would probably be better friends with him myself if it weren't for the fact that he spent almost all his time with those other three. Suddenly, I felt a chill run up my spine and I had that nagging feeling that I was being watched. I glanced over my shoulder to see Sev – er, Snape – watching me intently. I shot him a glare and turned away. Even dealing with the Marauders was better than thinking about him.


	72. Wishing

I would probably love NEWT level Potions, if it weren't for the fact that Lily is my partner. And I would probably love having Lily as my partner, if it weren't for the fact that she hates me passionately and isn't afraid to show it. At first, I thought being partners in Potions, like we have been for the past five years, would bring us back together. We would fall into our old routines, and it would be like nothing ever changed. She would forget why we were fighting in the first place. But clearly, Lily doesn't forgive and forget as easily as I had hoped. She doesn't even talk to me unless it's to bark out a command, and when _I _try to talk to _her,_ she tells me to "Shut up and concentrate on the potion," or the lesson, or, well, anything besides herself. Eventually, I just stopped trying. Now, I just sit through class and go through the motions and hand her things when she tells me to and write down improvements in my textbook, wishing I could share them with her like I used to.


	73. Hate2

"Lily! Lily, would you just listen to me? I- I lo- " "Is Snivellus here giving you trouble, my dear Lily-flower?" Rolling my eyes, I snapped, "It's none of your business if he is or isn't, Potter." Snape glared at Potter murderously and opened his mouth, but before he could make a sound, Potter had drawn his wand, and Snape was on the ground in a full body-bind. "Let me make myself clear," Potter drawled, "I don't want to see you bothering my girl ever again." The look in Snape's eyes was vicious – bloodthirsty, almost – and if he had been directing _me _with that glare, I would have run. But I had to hand it to Potter, he was no coward. "You're so bloody _arrogant_, aren't you Potter, strutting around like the world is at your disposal – " With a sharp flick of Potter's wand, however, Snape was gagging, choking…"Potter!" I cried. Potter blinked, as if shaken out of a trance, and shakily murmured, "_Finite_." Snape stumbled to his feet, gasping for breath, and began to lift his wand. "Enough!" I shouted, feeling close to tears for some reason, "Both of you, enough! I _hate _you, both of you!" And with that, I turned on my heel and fled.


	74. Doubt

"Lucius is coming into Hogsmeade tomorrow," Claudius told me, casually running a finger over his left forearm where I knew the Dark Mark was now branded. The first Junior Death Eater. "He's looking forward to seeing you." I offered him a slight sort of half-smile and said, "Tell him that I say likewise." Though that wasn't entirely true. I hadn't missed the dark edge to Claudius's words; I hadn't spoken with Lucius in months, and I knew he was afraid I was losing interest. He was afraid I wasn't on their side anymore. Thinking of Lily, a tiny flicker of doubt began to light within my mind, but I squelched it immediately. Once the Dark Lord's visions were brought to life, once I was a powerful member of his new world order, Lily would see. She would understand.


	75. Pity

The one time I had ever met Tobias Snape, I immediately disliked him. The sour smell of alcohol clung to his clothing like perfume, and it seemed he had a permanent scowl on his face. Sever – Snape told me once that he didn't like anything much, and after that meeting I was able to understand why he said that. Tobias looked at the world like he was disgusted by it, like everything in it was the foulest thing imaginable to the human eye. Still, though, the news of his death alighted a feeling of pity in my heart. He had died of alcohol poisoning in a skeevy little pub near their home on Spinner's End. It seemed a very sad, lonely way to die. When I saw Severus in Potions the next day, I said, "I heard about your father…I'm so sorry." Since our falling out last year, I believe it was the first thing I had said to him that wasn't snapped out in annoyance or anger. He gave me a strange look and said, "Thank you. But it's alright. Really."


	76. Sad

I should probably feel sad that my father is dead. He was my father, after all, even if he was terrible at being one. But I'm not sad, not really. Shocked? Absolutely. But sad? No. I can't bring myself to be upset that he's gone from my life, permanently. I can't bring myself to be upset that Mum will never again feel the sting of his hand against her face. I can't bring myself to be upset that she'll never again have to sit up until two in the morning wondering if he'll come home that night, wondering if he'll be angry, if he'll hurt her. So when people come up to me and offer their deepest condolences, when the teachers look at me with pity in their eyes and ask if there's anything they can do, even when Lily offers her sympathy – the first time in nearly a year she doesn't act like she wants me to drop off the face of the earth or spontaneously combust – I just want to laugh.


	77. Wondering

"I'm so proud of you, Lily," Alice said unexpectedly one evening as we sat in the common room by the fireplace. Confused, I raised my eyebrows at her and asked, "What on earth for?" Turning to face me, she fixed me with a serious stare. "I'm proud of you for not going back to that Snape kid you used to be such good friends with. He's not a good influence for you to be around. I'm so glad you seem to have realized that," she stated. "It only took you five years," Mary chimed in from where she was sprawled out across the long red couch on the other side of the fireplace. I rolled my eyes at her and turned back to Alice. "You were right about him all along," I admitted, "He was doomed to go to the dark side from day one. I only wish I had realized it sooner." I felt guilty as I said it, though. In spite of all his faults, Severus had always been a very good friend to me. And part of me couldn't help but wonder if he would have chosen a different path if I hadn't always been so willing to turn a blind eye, always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until it was too late to deny where his loyalties lay.


	78. Unbearable

If I could leave Hogwarts now and join the Death Eaters, I would. But if there's one thing I pride myself in, it's the fact that I'm not an idiot, and I know that without a completed education I won't be going anywhere, Death Eaters or no Death Eaters. I've considered enlisting as a Junior Death Eater like half of my friends already have, but I can't bring myself to do it. I tell myself it's because I'm too occupied with my schoolwork – I'm in all advanced classes, after all, and the amount of work I'm required to put in _is _demanding – but somewhere deep down I know that's not entirely the truth. Somehow, the thought of seeing Lily every day – working with her in Potions and passing her in the hallways and daydreaming about a time when life was simpler, when she didn't look at me with revulsion burning in her eyes – while the Mark was engraved on my arm, a physical reminder of how much everything had changed, was absolutely unbearable to me.


	79. Aspirations

Petunia's getting married to some walrus named Vernon Dursley. Imagine, Petunia Dursley! The idea is laughable. I only met him once – he came to Mum's funeral last summer – but I instantly couldn't stand him, and it's still incomprehensible to me what Petunia sees in him. I suppose he's nice enough, but he's the type of bloke who has no real aspirations in life. All he could talk about when I met him was that job he has at – Grinnings? Grunnings? – some drilling company, and when I asked him if that's _all_ he wanted to do, he looked at me as if I were mentally unhinged and said, "_All?_ Why, in another five years I could be assistant director!" When I think of marriage, I think of adventure, excitement. I suppose all Petunia thinks of is acting the housewife to the _assistant director _at Grunnings.


	80. Replacement2

I can't breathe. I can't even think. All I can do is sit here, with the image of Lily – _my _Lily – no, not my Lily – crying into the arms of James Bloody Potter flashing through my vision continuously, engraving itself into my mind relentlessly. Just a year and a half ago, it would have been _my _arms she was crying into, it would have been _me _who was comforting her. But now – James Potter? The boy who had tormented us through our first five years at Hogwarts, the boy she gave a black eye to in our third year, the boy she swore she would hate forever? Was he really my replacement?


	81. Strangely

_Lily,_

_Vernon's and my wedding will be held at the end of April. I know you'll still be in school, so really don't feel badly if you have to miss it._

_Actually, Lily, it would probably be best if you _didn't _come. Vernon doesn't know about your little abnormality just yet, so I feel it would be prudent if you stayed away in order to prevent any mishaps. It's my wedding day, and I want everything to go as well as possible. I'm sure you understand._

_Your sister,_

_Petunia_

Shredding the letter into hundreds of tiny pieces and lighting it on fire didn't make me feel any better, nor did cursing Petunia at the top of my lungs and scaring Alice and Mary half to death. Strangely, though, running into the arms of James Potter did.


	82. Sick

Any hope I ever had of Lily and me being friends again is now gone, now that she's dating that stupid arse James Potter. How could she? He's rude, he's arrogant, he's been known to make first-years cry with his ridiculous pranks. Sure, he was made Head Boy this year while she's Head Girl – but only because he's Dumbledore's golden boy, the big Gryffindor Quidditch hero. I doubt Potter's even done anything as Head Boy – after all, how can he keep things in order when _he's _the one who constantly needs to be put in place? In fact, I think I've only ever seen him taking House points from Slytherins. And Lily actually _wants_ to be with him, _wants_ him touching her…Merlin, I can't even think about it, it makes me sick.


	83. Tears

I had never seen him cry before. Not when he broke his wrist falling off his broom, not when the James and his friends slipped Veritaserum into his pumpkin juice and asked him embarrassing questions in front of the whole school, not even when I found him in the playground the summer after our first year with a huge bruise on his face and he begged me not to tell. And there he sat, under the tree by the lake where he called me a Mudblood two years ago, his body quivering with violent sobs. If we had still been friends, I would have sat down beside him and wrapped my arms around him and told him everything would be okay. But we weren't friends anymore, and I felt like I was intruding on something intensely private. I turned and walked away.


	84. Gone

For seven years, Hogwarts has been the best home I've had. I don't know what I'll do when I leave. It's tempting to buy my own place, begin a new life, but since my father died Mum's been depressed, barely taking care of herself. So, as usual, I'll go back to Spinner's End. The old, dilapidated house just won't let me go - it has a hold on me. I'm about to leave Platform 9 ¾ for the last time, when a mop of wavy red hair and a pair of startlingly green eyes catches my eye. This could be the last time I see Lily – I feel panicked. I have to say something, anything. I hurry over to her, half in a run, and blurt out, "Lily, I'm sorry." And then I don't know what else to say. There's _so much_ I want to say, but I can't seem to find the words. Lily smiles at me, a sad, aching sort of smile. "Good luck out there, Severus." And then she turns and walks away, and there's nothing I can do as I watch her leave, nothing I can say that will bring her back. "I love you," I whisper, wishing, not for the first time, that I had the courage to say it before she was gone.


	85. Growing

If I could go back in time a few years and tell myself that by the time I'm eighteen I will no longer be friends with Severus and will be in a relationship with James Potter, I'm sure I would have locked myself in a mental institution. Things have changed quite drastically over the past two and a half years – or rather, _I've_ changed quite drastically over the past two and a half years, as have Snape and James. Every day until graduating Hogwarts, I was forced to watch Snape immerse himself ever more deeply into darkness. Meanwhile, while Snape was growing darker and darker, James seemed to be shining brighter and brighter. As Head Boy and Head Girl we were forced to spend large amounts of time working together, something which I abhorred at first. But in time, I realized that James was no longer the arrogant bully he had been as a boy. I saw him grow into a kindhearted, good man, a man with unequaled intelligence and bravery. A man I could maybe, dare I say it, spend the rest of my life with.


	86. Paranoia

Self-consciously, I tug the sleeve of my robe down further over my arm. It's ridiculous, but I feel as though everyone can see it, and they're staring at it, staring at me. They know what I've done. They know who I am. Shaking myself of my paranoia, I reach up and pull a bottle of lace fly wings off the shelf, as well as a jar of dried essence of dittany. I take my purchases to the counter, pay for the two bottles, and leave the apothecary, still overly aware of the newly branded Mark on my arm. It still burns. I place my potions ingredients inside a pocket of my robe which has been charmed to prevent the bottles from breaking. Upon my taking the Mark, Lucius informed the Dark Lord that I'm a competent potioneer, so tonight I'll be making a complicated healing salve to bring to the Dark Lord tomorrow morning. I can't shake the feeling that I'm still in school, working towards a difficult deadline. I snort at the thought and pull a stack of papers from my robes, which I unfold and read to make sure I haven't forgotten any ingredients. I can't afford to waste time running back and forth to the Apothecary all night.


	87. Seeing

I see him. He's standing in front of the Apothecary, mere feet away from me, staring through the window. He doesn't see me, but I see him. A sudden gust of wind blows a stack of papers out of his arms. He swears and bends down to pick them up. A few land on the pavement by my feet, and I wonder if I should help him or turn away before he recognizes me. It's too late. He's seen me, and he's staring at me through unfathomable black eyes that I used to be able to read so well. I pick up his papers and hold them out to him. As he reaches out to take the papers from me, his sleeve rides up his arm, and the head of a snake is peering out, sticking its tongue out at me, mocking me. Snape opens his mouth to speak. I run.


	88. Collapse

I barely make it through the front door before I stumble and collapse on the hardwood floor of the foyer. As a newly recruited Death Eater, I was treated very well for a while. The Dark Lord always made sure to praise me for my work, even rewarding me every now and again. But now I see that this was his way of keeping new followers, it was his way of making sure his younger, more eager members remained that way. Now that I'm no longer the new, fresh face, I have become the target of the Dark Lord's frustrations. In fact, "Let's see how long we can crucio Severus before he passes out," seems to have become a favorite pastime of his. Slowly, agonizingly, I raise myself up off of the floor and half crawl, half drag myself to the stairs, where I pull myself up by the railing and summon several potions from my stores, which I quickly uncork and down. I stand there for several long minutes, waiting until I gain enough strength to climb the stairs to my bedroom. It takes me at least ten minutes to make it to the top of the stairs, and once I do I stagger to my mother's room to check in on her before finally crossing the hall to my own bedroom and falling onto my bed, succumbing to sweet unconsciousness.


	89. Protecting

I moved in with James last night. It feels strange, being in this sort of relationship. After flooing to his apartment with everything that would fit through the fireplace, I cooked dinner and we sat down together at the kitchen table and talked, sort of like a family. Today, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are over – I should have known it wouldn't be long before I saw them round. Sirius has had a few too many glasses of firewhiskey, despite it being only three in the afternoon, and he's laughing boisterously as the four Marauders recount their adventures from Hogwarts, as if they were old men instead of eighteen year old boys. Now, they're remembering a prank they pulled on Snape early in our fifth year – they turned his hair pink and neither he nor I could figure out how to counter the charm. At the time I was furious, but now I allow myself to laugh a little at the memory. He _did _look ridiculous with his hair the color of cotton candy. James sighs fondly. "I wonder what ole Snivelly is doing now," he says. Sirius laughs drunkenly and slurs, "I betcha anything 'e's a Death Eater now." I stiffen at Sirius's words, remembering my encounter with him in Diagon Alley not more than three weeks ago. I hadn't told anybody about it, and I still keep quiet about what I saw. I don't know why I don't say anything - it's not like I'm trying to protect him.


	90. Delusional

How dare she? How dare she send me an invitation to her wedding with that _disgusting arse_? Does she enjoy rubbing it in my face that he got her and I didn't? Does she think it's _funny_? We haven't spoken since leaving King's Cross the day after graduation almost two years ago, what makes her think I would even _want _to go to her wedding? Does she think we can still be friends, after everything? Does she think I'll show up and embrace her _and _Potter with open arms, and the three of us will be best friends, and we'll all forget about any animosity between us? If that's what she thinks, then she is _delusional._


	91. Believing

"You invited _him _to our wedding? Are you fucking _insane? _He's a Death Eater, Lily, a _Death Eater!_ Do you realize that if he gives our location to his deranged, psychopathic master, it'll be the perfect opportunity for the Death Eaters to wipe out _the entire fucking Order of the Phoenix?_ For Merlin's sake, _what_ were you _thinking?" _I listen silently to James ranting at me, berating me for my stupidity. Under normal circumstances, if James yelled at me that way, I would yell back twice as loudly. But today, I know he's right. I let my own feelings get in the way of the safety of our families and friends. I let myself believe in a perfect little world where I could have my perfect little wedding and the past could be forgotten. I let myself believe in the best of someone, and I let myself place my trust into the hands of someone who has proven time and time again to be unworthy of that trust.


	92. Transformation

I told myself I wouldn't come, yet here I am, standing in the shadows in the back corner of some little Muggle church watching Lily stand before _him_ at the altar. When the priest asks if anyone has any objections to the marriage, I'm tempted to speak up, but instead, I choose the option of forever holding my peace. If I were a braver man, perhaps I would have said something, but, as usual, I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not some stupid, reckless Gryffindor, after all. I turn and leave when Potter is told to kiss the bride. Perhaps it's childish, but I can't bear to watch her kiss him. I can't bear to look at her in the moment she makes the transformation from Lily Evans to Lily Potter.


	93. Coldness

"You may now kiss the bride." I leaned in for a quick, respectable peck on the lips, but James being James, he swung me around and dipped me backwards in a lavish romantic display. He always was one for show. He pulled me upright and as we caught one another's eye, we both began giggling madly, and the rest of the church quickly followed suit. Even the priest began to chuckle. I shook my head fondly; only James Potter could turn our union as husband and wife into something comedic. Grinning, I lifted my eyes and gazed out over the assembled crowd; Dad was seated in the front row along with Petunia and Vernon, both of whom looked vaguely uncomfortable. I had considered asking Petunia not to come to my wedding, an idea which James was fond of, but ultimately I did not want to play her petty games. As my eyes swept over the rest of our family members and friends, my heart filled with warmth – and then, an icy coldness stabbing at my chest, a feeling of pure shock pouring over me like a bucket of cold water. Severus Snape was lingering by the door, his hand loosely covering the doorknob. I caught his eye for the briefest of moments before he Disapparated with a soft, barely audible pop.


	94. Insane

"Go ahead, Severus, do it," Bellatrix Black sneered, pushing me forward sharply. There was a hungry gleam in her eyes as she watched me, like a cat stalking its prey. I glanced between her and the other Death Eaters who stood around the room, all of whom were watching me intently. I looked at the ceiling, at the floor, at the walls…anywhere but at the spot right in front of me. "Severus." This time it was Lucius Malfoy who spoke, with a subtle warning in his voice. Shakily, I raised my wand and croaked out, "Sectumsempra." A little girl's agonized screams mingled with Bellatrix's maniacal laughter filled the room and my head so loudly I thought I would go insane, but just when I couldn't take anymore, someone whispered, "Avada Kedavra," and it was over. Bellatrix sidled over to me and rested her chin on my shoulder. She ignored my flinch. "Good job, Severus."


	95. News

I'm telling James tonight that I'm pregnant – that _we're _pregnant, really. Having a child is a two-way street. I'm sitting on the sofa in our living room, waiting for him to come home from whatever Order mission he and Sirius have been sent on today. I would have gone along with them myself if it hadn't been for the doctor's appointment this morning. It's almost humourous; we're soldiers in a war, yet we still make time for mundane things like doctor's appointments. I snort at the thought as I lean back into the sofa and pick up the Potions Journal I've been reading. If it hadn't been for the war, I would have liked to continue studying Potions, maybe become a Potions Mistress someday and teach like Slughorn. But I shake the thought from my head. I'm needed with the Order. Suddenly, the front door slams open and James staggers in, looking sick. Throwing down the journal, I jump to my feet and rush to my husband. "What happened?" I demand. James takes a shaky breath and says, "I'm so glad you weren't there, Lily, if you had seen what they did to that little girl…" I help James to the couch and then go into the kitchen to start some tea. My news can wait until tomorrow.


	96. Reward

I fall to my knees as I feel panic set in. I've just left the company of the Dark Lord. At first, I was very pleased with how our meeting was commencing; I was praised most highly for bringing him the prophecy regarding the boy who will defeat him, and he turned to my fellow Death Eaters and told them they should all be "as useful as Severus." But then he said that name. Potter. I almost didn't believe it, I must have misunderstood him. But then he said it again. Potter. It was either Harry Potter or Neville Longbottom whom the prophecy spoke of. It took every ounce of my self control not to fall apart right there before him, not to fall to my knees and plead for him to spare the Potters, because it _couldn't_ be them, it _had _to be the Longbottoms. I kept a stoic façade until he dismissed us, but now I'm lying on the floor, barely able to restrain the violent sobs that threaten to overwhelm me. However, turning into a blithering mess will not save Lily's life, so I pull myself to my feet and steel myself for another meeting with the Dark Lord, a private meeting. He promised to reward me for my service, after all, and what better reward than the pretty little Mudblood mother of the Potter boy?


	97. Loyalty

The past few weeks have been a blur. Dumbledore paid James and I a visit, told us we were in grave danger and needed to go into hiding, and since then everything has happened so fast. Within days, we moved all of our things from our cozy little apartment to a house in the town of Godric's Hollow, near Dumbledore's childhood home. We aren't allowed to leave, we most certainly aren't allowed to fight, and it drives James crazy. I'm not exactly happy about the situation either, but I will do anything to keep Harry safe, and I know James will too, he just complains about it a lot more than I do. We've made Sirius our secret keeper. Though the man drives me crazy sometimes, I know he is unwaveringly loyal to James and I, and he loves Harry nearly as much as we do. We're safe in his hands, and knowing that Sirius would never betray us is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind.


	98. Enough2

I live every day in fear that the Dark Lord will find the Potters. After a good amount of the Cruciatus as punishment for my brashness, he agreed that, when the time comes, he will spare Lily Potter. However, I'm not such an idiot that I would place all my trust in him. The Dark Lord bends to no one's will but his own. Therefore, the very next day, I went to Albus Dumbledore and pleaded with him to keep the Potters under his protection. He agreed, but at a price – the price being my loyalty. It's been months now since Lily and her family went into hiding, months since I've started spying for the Order of the Phoenix, and I'm just starting to relax, I'm just starting to believe that maybe she'll be okay...yet that voice inside my head, telling me that it won't be enough, just won't go away.


	99. Nothing

"_Lily_,_take Harry and go_! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" I hesitate for only a moment before scooping Harry up from the couch and sprinting upstairs. I don't look back when I hear the blast that shatters the front door, I don't look back at the sound of You-Know-Who's cold, high cackle, I don't look back when I hear James's body thud against the floor. I pull Harry more tightly against my chest as I dash into the nursery and hastily pull the lock on the door. My eyes dart around the room, looking for something, anything that will help us. My wand is downstairs – _shit_, why did I leave my wand downstairs, I should have grabbed it before I ran. I look to the window. My wandless magic is strong enough to summon my broom, if I can just get it before he finds us…but there's a sound like an explosion and the door bursts in at us, and there's nothing I can do to protect my baby, nothing I can do…I place Harry in his crib and stand defensively in front of him. I hear someone begging, "No, not Harry, please not Harry." It's my voice, but I don't even feel myself speaking. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I curse Peter Pettigrew for his betrayal, I curse Lord Voldemort for existing, I curse myself for not being smart enough, good enough, strong enough. Distantly, I hear Voldemort telling me to stand aside, that I don't have to die, but it doesn't matter to me, I'm not such a coward that I would sacrifice my baby's life for my own. I hear myself pleading, I hear Harry crying, I hear a scream of "Avada Kedavra!" There's a flash of green light, and then I hear nothing.


	100. Home

"Look…at…me…" My voice is broken, mangled, distorted. It sounds disturbing even to myself, but Harry doesn't flinch. His emerald eyes – Lily's emerald eyes – find my own, and I allow myself to get lost in them, I allow myself to forget, to let go. For the first time since meeting the boy, I realize that maybe, perhaps, he is not a carbon copy of his father. However, there is no time to linger on such thoughts. I see green, a flash of green, and then there is nothing.

Slowly, I open my eyes. I'm not sure where I am. For a moment, I'm not even sure _who _I am, but then it all comes crashing back, and I feel like I've been hit by the Hogwarts Express. I raise my hand to my neck where I'm expecting to find, at the very least, a puckered scar, but I'm mildly surprised when my hand meets with nothing. Ah, that's right. I must be dead. It's then that I realize I'm naked, and I desperately wish for my all-concealing black robes. Do dead people get to wear clothes? As if in answer to my question, a set of robes that look just like my own materialize at my feet, and I take no time in putting them on. "Severus." It's like a voice from a long-forgotten dream. I turn my head, half expecting to see Lily, but no, that's not Lily's voice. I wasn't expecting this child to be here. It's the girl I helped kill so many years ago, my first torture victim. I don't know what to say. "I'm sorry," I whisper brokenly, "I'm so sorry." However, the girl simply smiles at me and comes over to take my hand. "It's okay, mister," she says, "You've made up for it, you've made up for everything." Grinning, she pulls at my hand and I follow her past a set of swings and a seesaw – it's the playground, it's me and Lily's playground! And standing at the edge, by the bushes where we first met, is Lily, with her arms open wide and a brilliant smile lighting up her face. "Welcome home, Severus."


End file.
